Thursday, August 17, 2006

Our new favourite show (Yeeeah Bwoooy!!)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I wish I was a Vice writer (with flowers in my hair)

We have dreams you know, dreams of Angelina Jolie breaking up with Brad, sending all her kids back to where they came from and shacking up with us. Dreams of Brokeback Mountain 2 being made. You wanna know what our biggest dream is?

Writing for Vice magazine.

Think about it, it's the easiest writing job in the world, you can write long articles about nothing (not unlike this one), be as politically incorrect and borderline racist as you want and then use the scenesters magic word, Irony!

We've wasted many a conversation explaining our actions, but no more, not since we found out this magical word called 'irony'. It can get you out of any situation by simply stating you were being ironic, magical huh?

Next time you're at a the Tottenham-Arsenal derby and you join in with the Anti-Jewish chants, simply claim to any offended Jews that you were just being ironic, and in fact, by mocking them, you showed how stupid the people mocking them were, I'm sure the offended person will understand. If they don't, then hey, it's their fault, they don't get irony.

You can even paint your face black, like them old minstrels, and still claim irony. We have to get in on this 'irony' business. It's clearly the new 'get out of jail free' card for writers, especially bad ones.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Some people it's cruel to laugh at other people's misfortunes, those people usually spend all their lives doing meaningless shit like giving money to charity and telling everyone how great Bob Geldof is.

We say a little schadenfraude can be good for the soul.

That's why the story of the Myspace pimp and the senator's prostitute grand daughter gave us a good chuckle.

John Savage is an illiterate, (judging from his myspace profile) 30-year old pimp who recruits his girls via myspace.

The girl (whose name I can't be bothered to find right now) is an 'easily manipulated kid who ran away from home in hope of, as 'Jazzo' calls it, 'eleveation in life'. We gotta say while our heart bleeds for the dumb girl, how could anyone talk you into selling yourself and then giving them half the money? If you're gonna do that shit at least keep all the profits.

Whoever said pimpin' ain't easy obviously hadn't heard of myspace.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The worst thing about Mel Gibson's anti-semite rant was...

The sugar tits comment.

What the hell does that mean? does he mean sugar tits as 'I'm sure those sugar tits are sweet to suck on' or does he mean the officer's chest are as big as sugar granules?

The mind boggles.

DMX is crack-ish

It almost makes me wish I could get BET.

Monday, July 31, 2006

We made our own rough guide

Hate doing annoying shit like washing yourself? Like the feel of mud through your hair? Is sex in a tent your fantasy?

If you can answer yes to any of these, then festivals are for you.

I know what all you festival virgins are thinking, 'What bands are playing?' 'If I get laid on the first night, will I have to talk to them for the rest of the festival?' and the ever important, 'Do I bring some weed with me, or buy it there?'

Fusionista has decided to hit you with some tips for having a sucessful festival. Fuck all those guides you read, this is the only guide you should ever take tips from.

Stand out if you want action

Try something different this year, like wearing a James Blunt T-shirt. Lucky for us, we stand out naturally - being black is a gift and a curse at these events - mostly a gift, if you have a thing for white girls and let's face it, what self-respecting black man doesn't?

Don't carry illegal things on you

Let your friends do it. When the police do a routine check, you'll be able to sing that mitchell brothers song at them. whilst they beat your friend down. and another thing - make sure your friend is dumb enough to carry your shit without questioning it. If you're lucky, you'll know a retard.

Nod along, even if you hate the music

At random times during festivals, you may encounter what is known as a 'You better be enjoying this shit' stare. This happens when a band is moving the crowd, but you, having half a brain, know better and stand completely motionless. At some point during the set, a fan/future groupie will stare at you in complete puzzlement as to why you're not dancing along. At this point, start nodding your head, just long enough for them to stop staring at you and get back to listening to their Metallica/Green Day/Libertines (delete as applicable) rip-off.

Bring Pro-Plus

Only wankers who like to sit down when bands are on go to sleep at festivals. So be original and follow the crowd. When you feel sleepy, pop a pro-plus and do what you're supposed to be doing - which is singing 'Angels' in a group campfire. If you really want to be the life of the party, take it with some red bull. That'll liven up any party.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Pharrell = A producing Nate Dogg

It's a little known fact, but in the mid nineties perennial hook-singer Nate Dogg actually released an album. Now of course this album bombed worse than (insert offensive Iraq joke here), but it seems years later Pharell has taken it upon himself to carry the torch for hook-singers for should never go solo.

'In my mind', Pharrell's solo album, is possibly one of the worst albums of the year. Buy it only if you wish to mentally torture someone.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

A gig is a gig. even if you hate the headliners

So Fusionista headed off to an overly sweaty KOKO, Where we were wiping our brows as furiously as Craig Charles wanks. Tbe price of the drinks were murder as well, how are we supposed to get girls drunk when one double costs £7?

What were we there for, you didn't ask? For a taping of the album chart show, of course.

Seeing as we much prefer free gigs to ones you have to pay for, the alnum chart show is a godsend. It was also unusually packed on that night, leaving us to be forced up onto the top floor, sitting next to a mother and duaghter who we wouldn't have minded having a family affair with.

First on were young indie upstarts, Mumm-Ra (shit name, by the way). Their lead singers dances like the guy from Kaiser Chiefs, all hopping on one leg and tapping the ground like a one legged Michael Flatley. They have a couple of catchy tunes but overall they don't do much to stand out from the crowd of similar indie bands.

Second one was James Morrision, at first it seemed as if he didn't have much going on apart from his name, but at second glance he clearly has a new niche to carve as the male Joss Stone. Despite his music being a bit boring, expect his music to be compared to Stevie Wonder, Al Green & Luther Vandross in about a year.

At first we thought an anorexic male nurse had stumbled onto stage with a guitar, but it turns out it was Johnny Borell. How Razorlight ever became this big we'll never know, with music that can at best be described as 'standard indie-by-numbers'.

We take solace in the fact that Buzzcocks, Common, Sway & the Duke Spirit are performing at RISE on saturday.

We can finally get that shitty razorlight sound out of our ears.